None of these are mine, but I’ve seen them all over the ‘Net and in e-mails and I generally agree with most of them. Your mileage may vary.
– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
– More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
– Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
– Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
– I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
– Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
– There is a great need for sarcasm font.
– How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
– I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
– I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
– The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
– Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
– What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
– I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
– Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
– I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
– Bad decisions make good stories
– If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
– Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
– You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
– There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
– I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this. Ever.
– I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
– As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
– Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
– It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
– I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
– Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
– Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
– It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
– I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
– I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
– I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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